Depression and an Eating Disorder: Laura's Story
Have you ever felt like you were fighting a demon? Depression can definitely feel that way sometimes. Come listen to Laura Cragun share about her experiences and faith as she struggled with depression, suicide ideation, and an eating disorder in this week’s faith-filled story.
Save it for later, pin it now!
Listen or Watch
You can also head to your favorite podcast app to listen on the go. You can find Laura at LauraCragun.com and on Instagram.
Read the Script
Camille: Welcome to Chatting with Camille, helping you share the gospel of Jesus Christ at church, home, and beyond.
Laura is an intuitive eating and mental health coach, a mom of three, and a fire wife. She was born and raised in Arizona but is currently living in Utah. Laura helps women ditch diets and find body acceptance through intuitive eating, mindset, and overhaul in Christ. She encourages women to stop the war with their bodies so that they can find more purpose in life beyond their bodies. Welcome, Laura.
Laura: Thank you for having me. I'm glad to be here.
Camille: I'm excited for your story in particular because I think it'll resonate with a lot of our listeners. Please share your story.
Laura: Great. it starts with mental health, which a lot of people could probably identify. Mental health is first. I had to get out of survival mode before I can work on my eating disorders. as a long story short, I had. Suicide ideation and depression and anxiety. then with that, all which I didn't really understand, I had, the binge eating and the orthorexia, which I just didn't think it was a problem.
Laura: I used it as a form of control when my life fell out of control mentally.
Camille: Why don't you tell us what orthorexia is before we move on.
Laura: Yes. Orthorexia is the religiously clean eating, like when you think of an Orthodox religious person, they're very strict and that's, I think it's kind of like OCD with clean eating. It definitely ramped up through all this.
I have three kids. They're nine, six and three. My crisis happened a couple years ago, two years ago in 2020 actually is when it happened. I know a lot of people went through a lot of things and for me too, it just is when it surfaced that, I had to deal with my demons, all of the childhood trauma, probably that I had gone. My husband's also a firefighter paramedic and he works a lot. he also had a part-time job on the side as a personal trainer. he was also gone at the bookends of the day when people like to be trained in the mornings and the evenings. And that's when the kids are the hardest and we don't have family nearby. So in 2020, I started having this in January actually, I started having those feelings of suicide ideation and I didn't understand why I was feeling that way. But I had already made a decision that if I had gotten to that point, I was going to get help because two years earlier, back in 2017 or 2018, my cousin that was 17, died by suicide as well.
So this runs in my family that was a tragedy in my family. I was pregnant at the time with my youngest and I remembered seeing it all happen with the family and how devastated everyone was. And I used to babysit him and I loved him dearly and I thought to myself, no one knows that they're going to go through this until it just happens. For someone like me, that is more prone to depression and anxiety, I probably need to make a decision. If I start having these feelings, cause I hadn't ever had those feelings. I've had postpartum depression all through my babies then I get better and I take medication. I have to go to therapy. I do the work, but I realized, okay, I'm going to make that decision now. I just felt the Spirit, told me I need to make that decision. I went forward and had my baby and things were good, but when the beginning of 2020 started, I don't know if it was just a shifting of all energies and timing and what was about to happen with 2020 as well that I started to feel those thoughts of not wanting to live.
I was a little more high functioning of a depressed person only in the sense that you have to, as a mom, but you're running through a muddy field. You could do it, but it's so hard and, that's not how it should be. I had a lot of bad narratives in my brain about myself. Comparing myself with my husband and comparing myself with others around me, thinking I should be better. People may be better off without me and maybe I should throw myself into the traffic as I was riding my bike and these thoughts would come across my mind quite frequently. I started to tell my husband a little bit about that and we were going through some marital issues at the time, but, the summer came and I tried my best to deal with some things and go to therapy, take medication. In the summer I went to a psych ward because I found myself at a point where I wanted to hurt myself and to keep myself from doing that, I went to a psych ward. And to get myself in a better place, I was absolutely hysterical. Out of my mind, just not myself. And you're not at that point. I know people have probably been through this or many dark nights. Everyone goes through things. We decided to take me to the hospital and that's only two or three days. I didn't really like it either. It wasn't fun. I felt like I was around some pretty crazy people. I was in the psych ward.
It felt really weird, felt really strange, but I did learn some things. I was on a medication that wasn't helping me. You've been taking the same one for four years. It's not affecting you anymore. You need to move on. I never had put two and two together that way. then I came out and tried to just repair life and be a little bit more deliberate of knowing this is my next thing. I stopped my business. I was just in survival mode, just take care of my kids in the best way I can. When my husband goes on his long shifts, then sometimes get help. But it was still very hard to ask for help. Also through all this, I was, experimenting with all sorts of dieting things, as I always did. I'd done all sorts of things in the past, like Beachbody and clean eating. I thought I'd go vegan because I'd already. It became kind of a high for me when I did have my baby, I couldn't have dairy for a whole year. I got through that bottleneck of letting go of dairy, as hard as that was, it became a high like, oh, I can let go of that. That was so hard. But look, now I can lose weight maybe I could do that with gluten and flour and white sugar and keep going and going and going. I got to the point where I was, doing raw vegan.
I did raw vegan for a week. My mind was not in the right place. And I thought I could do this, heal myself, maybe whatever it is in my brain with my mental side of things, I can heal it with really healthy foods that are just grown raw. I don't think it is probably healthiest way to go. I'd get colonics. I was doing all sorts of things really trying to be super clean eating and save myself. It's not even what it's supposed to be though. God helps me. I found myself at a place where it wasn't getting better. I was trying, actually through this time, many different medications since I went to the psych ward. All these different medications had different side effects. I think that was probably why I was doing colonics, doing the clean vegan thing because I was trying to detox myself from those side effects. I didn't like how some felt and for good reason, they would give me nightmares. I would get headaches. I would feel really jittery things like that until I did land on a right one. Once I decided to get some extra help and go to a rehab for a whole month. Because I was every day having huge episodes, I couldn't function well in my life to take care of the kids well enough and have my husband be gone to be safe enough.
I decided, and he decided, we'd have me go to a mental health rehab. It honestly was a rehab also for those that have addiction, because there aren't very many rehabs just for that. And that was hard to think I was just going to be around people like that, but they were also just normal people and they had the same things I dealt with. Now I have a great love for those that deal with alcoholism and drug addiction because I had to work side by side with those people for a month. That was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make is leaving my little babies and kids and going away. I needed a place to heal. Of course, like with all things that still wasn't perfect going in there, it didn't necessarily always mean all the answers, but it definitely, it was a step forward with what God knew I needed.
The main pivotal thing I wanted to get to today was, though, the event that happened while I was there. When I was there, I was very, very sad, sick having to deal with myself. I was binging on the food and I'd get up late at night, go to the kitchen and grab all the food I could and just eat. So wasn't healthy. I just was searching for that, dopamine, I guess, cause I didn't know what to do. If you left, you would have to have the whole bill. You can't just leave. You have to have that permission of the doctor. But what happened is while I was there, a lot of the house got COVID and this is in October of 2020. People are pretty nervous about COVID and you're kind of shunned and I got COVID.
They had me go to my room and stay there while I had COVID for a couple of days. And with those two days going on, being very, very long two days, I felt very alone because not only am I quarantined rehab itself is like a quarantine, but then being quarantined and quarantine to my room. It was not a healthy place and I felt very dark and I was telling them, I just, I'm ready to go home. It was a good time into it. I thought I had, gotten a good amount of therapy and I had got some good tools and I'd done some family sessions over the phone. But they said, no, we don't feel like you're ready. We don't feel like you're ready. I'm like this can't be healthy then they'd shame me for saying, why do you want to go back home to your kids and get them sick? It was hard to deal with that. My husband was pretty frustrated trying to call in to get me out.
I could just walk out at any moment, but it's of course I don't want to be left with a $20,000 bill, whatever it was. I remember that when I tried to just structure my day. If I had two whole days to just sit in my room and do nothing, I need to structure it a little bit. That is kind of my personality. I'm a little more intense, I would do it with things that are good. I'm going to take some time to meditate. I'm going to take some time to pray a super long prayer, cause I normally don't have that kind of time. I can read my scriptures and yeah, I'll watch a show on my iPad that they gave me.
But in that time I felt really drawn to go to the closet in there and just lay on the floor. I was going to say a long prayer and also just ask God to help me get out because I didn't want to have the bill. I was really depressed in the sense that I was all by myself. I needed people. I need a team around me to help me heal and feel like we're, I'm connected. I missed my kids so much. I was on the ground, laying down and this feeling came over me as I was praying. I didn't know how, how else to pray, but I felt this overwhelming feeling of gratitude come over me. That I should just pray in gratitude as we're told sometimes, but it just didn't have the same meaning until I was at that deepest, darkest place, like my own Liberty jail. To have to pray and be grateful for that. Cause I do have so much to be grateful for, but I was so sick in my mind that sometimes I could never really think of that. Though it did come over me like a movie like thinking about early memories. There was a squirrel that ran in our house. I remember chasing it around thinking it was so fun and that memory came over me. I had another memory of my grandparents taking me to Mexico when I was a kid and I would find sea urchins and they just gave me so much love and attention. My grandparents were able to take me on a trip. And then later on, as I'm a teenager, having fun with a group of friends and going on into when I'm holding my first baby just kind of playing out like a movie. It's a beautiful life. It really is. All these things I've been blessed with and to help heal me cause gratitude heals people, heals us.
And God did answer my prayer to help me get out of there without that huge bill. And they did give me that absence. One of the therapists had the right mind and saw that, yeah, this isn't good. She needs to go home. She can heal at home and go through COVID. But I was also just so dead sick and depressed. It was just really hard. It ended up being just that pivotal moment where I had nowhere else to go to. When you scrape that bottom of the barrel, you have nothing else, but for you, that you turn to God and Christ. Sometimes we're stubborn that we wait till that point, that it really has so much meaning then. So those trials really do sanctify you and make you, that much stronger and teach you. I will always remember this experience.
So it's such a pivotal time for me to know how just how Joseph Smith felt, even to know, especially like how my Savior felt when even God himself withdrew, withdrew Himself from Him. And knowing that He didn't do it to leave Him, but just as no other way so that He can know what that feels like, were not for us. And we feel like God isn't there. It was just very powerful. That whole thing.
Camille: I like how you mentioned that you made the decision early on, what four years ago now I guess. It was two years before this episode, right? At this point, you were going to definitely get help, but I love that you've noticed that about yourself. Before it was an issue. That was a prompting for you. When you got to the point though, two years later, was it difficult to make that decision again or was it like it's already made?
Laura: It was difficult that in realizing like, this is actually a thought in my brain. My husband had started seeing some things and understanding, and that I had those thoughts and to really say, yeah, I actually I am now having those thoughts now. Next time, I feel like I'm going to act on that. When I finally did have a big episode which is really, it's not just fights themselves when you have with people that you love. It's just all the accumulation to that point. And that just acts as a catalyst. So when I had that catalyst of a moment where I wanted to go grab some knives and really do just something to myself, I decided I would replace that action with a call to my mom. I actually live near urgent care and I rode my bike to the urgent care. I was sobbing the whole way, cause it felt like a trauma. I was actually, I feel like fighting a demon and he knew, and there were certain things they were, it was telling me in my mind. Satan, you know. I had already knew, I just called my mom. I knew it was kind of building up over time that I was getting a little bit more serious about acting about it. I know with me, I'm a little more rash with my decision, so it could just happen. Sometimes it's may be a little bit more of a slow burn for some people. But for me, I'm like, knowing my intensity, I'll just, it's not where I want to be. It's not where my husband wanted to be, really anybody that's dealing with that.
And same with anybody that knows someone that is dealing with that. I have actually have a brother that I just told him last week, he has been having some thoughts. He's actually, there's a whole story on that. He's ran away. He was in a rehab for a whole year, at 18 for his addictions and suicide stuff. It's just so strong in my family with all that we've gone through and the genetics we have. And he was telling me that, he's been better, but now he's starting to have those thoughts again. Let's just be clear on just really, making that decision now that you have that go-to sticky note or that go-to thing in your phone, that you have that number to call and, you know, you have that person, you just replace that action with what you're going to do.
Camille: That's great advice to just replace that with an already known other action. That's good. I like that. I like how you said that you tried to save yourself with worldly things instead of turning to God. Like you turn to all these different diets or whatever before you turn to God. I think we all do that. You said that so well, we can definitely relate to that. What do you think helped you finally turn to Christ? I mean, you talked about the gratitude in the closet. Do you think there was anything else that helped you turn to Christ in those moments?
Laura: I did always know that God was with me along the way, but I just, it was that matter of fully surrendering to Him and to see that Christ is going to help me through this. This was going to be my biggest crisis in my life. At least for the time being, I'd never gone through something, this traumatic and it was that gratitude, but that full surrendering. There's something to that. When you just know there's nothing else that's going to help unless you totally trust Him that you are in His care. Even those that you love are in His care and the piece and protection that comes with that over time. There's opposition in all things. We're going to feel that much sorrow.
But I didn't get to say that side of the story of it all that when I came out through that. That month of November and December and the holiday season was the sweetest season I'd ever experienced, cause I felt so much gratitude, so much love. I was feeling healthier again, my mind and my personality was coming back and all of the beauty of that was because of God and He was helping me through and healing me and I was being rid of all those things that were really racking my brain. I feel like for me, those curated demons telling me those same things over the years, the acceptance pieces over the years. Of course, I have relationships that always aren't the best, but I can accept and try my best and forward. Even the relationship with myself and my Heavenly Father, that was just the sweetest. I wanted to just tell the world that Christ, there's no other answer and it's so beautiful. I was grateful, of course. How hard it was for that for a whole year of going through that, that I still, I wouldn't turn away from Him. Who else would I go to? It's just like what Peter would say. Who else would I go to? The one that saves me, I have to.
Camille: Absolutely. That's a great way to put it. Who else would I go to? Even if you did go to someone else, they wouldn't be able to help you like Christ would. I love how you were watching basically the movie of your life or the best clips of your life. The gratitude that you felt, and the perspective that that gave you on the good in your life. What kind of things do you do now to keep that gratitude with you every day?
Laura: I do something called holy time every day. It's just my, you know, morning routine, morning ritual people say. I just have the prayer or the meditation, prayer and scriptures. That sometimes looks like five minutes. That sometimes looks like an hour like I’d totally like. Where I get up an hour before my kids, I put on my clothes, grab a drink of water. Do a little bit of meditation, prayer, and some study so I can set my day right. That really helps but to always remember that it doesn't need to look a certain way. It's just a matter of keeping up the habit. I don't know if you know who Brooke Snow is. She's talked about floors and ceilings before and how you do definitely need to have that floor and to feel like you give yourself permission, knowing like, okay, this is enough. We're always battling with feeling like we've done enough or we are enough. And really that five minutes of me just quickly sitting down in this chair right here. Just turn off your brain for 30 seconds. Meditate. Doesn’t matter, a small little prayer and maybe look at a verse. That's the floor. You've done the minimum of calling it good, or the ceiling is the highest point of doing it for the hour, which would be awesome. You know, not being perfectionistic in that way.
Camille: The floors and ceilings makes all the difference for me. You talked about having the support people around you and that was one of the main reasons you wanted to leave is cause you knew you needed those people around you to continue to the next part of your journey. What advice would you give to those who are the support people for somebody going through such a hard time? Because obviously at some point it's hard for them too, right?
Laura: Yes. I think number one is just don't overreact first. I think being even-keeled would really help. My therapist always tells me this, and it's a quote from President Hinckley. The best thing we could do is to remain calm and have a positive attitude. You know, it's going to work out and having that positive attitude does help. And of course, it is scary. If you do learn that someone that you love is thinking those certain things or is, that depressed. I had learned that we have to keep ourselves a little bit more neutral. It's okay to have these people that we love, we want them to be happy. But when we need them to be happy for our happiness, there's something off there. We don't want to be in that desperation moment. Then you need to do your own work. So secondly, it would be making sure you as a support person can be someone that is settled enough in themselves to be happy enough to support that person. But to a point to where you're not totally entangled, but that you're doing it out of love for them and that you're keeping them safe and yourself. Really making sure that you're not overacting that you're working yourself. And like I said before, having that little plan, the biggest little plan ever that could save a life of you replacing that action. And you know, that suicide hotline number, and if they don't want that, they know that Aunt that they really trust that they could call or grandma or friend or someone. They need to have that plan and know that it's worth it. There's so many people that love them.
Camille: When you find that life is easier for a day, at least those easier times, and maybe it's the same answer, what helps you still remember, okay- I need to take this holy time in the morning? Because I think oftentimes when life gets easier, sometimes it's easier to let go of those habits.
Laura: Yes. Oh yes. it's been a little while since all my episode. I'm coming up on the year anniversary of me going into my rehab or two year anniversary. Sorry. When you become such a new creature after something like that, you don't want to change that. But over time you may let go of some of those things, the very things that may have saved you. This communication time that we spend with God, knowing that those past experiences were, only happened because everyone's had those really powerful experiences. Those are the only done if you were taking that time to be with God. And, this all stems from that quote take time to be holy. One of the general authority women said that a while back. That's what President Nelson is saying. Now he's just pleading with us. Prophets don't plead with us very often. He's like pleading with you guys. Just take some time, that's the only way that's going to keep us from all this crazy of the world and distraction. I think if you remember your past experiences, what led you to your happiest moments in life, it usually was because you took that time. So that will help hopefully push you forward to want to continue to do that.
Camille: That's great. I like the two things. You said one, you became a new creature, you're new and you've changed and, and you knew the difference.
Laura: Yes. Yes.
Camille: Two, we want to remember. What are some ways that have helped you remember? Do you journal? Obviously, you're sharing your story with us today. Like what are some things that help you remember?
Laura: Sharing your testimony does help. I think reading past journals help. It's a combination of all these things. I think testimony, reading the past, talking. I think service then too would be a part of that. As you serve, as I talked with my brother about this, that just last week, it reminded me of how dark it was for me. And that's better yet why I want to help him in any way. And he actually helped me as he talked to me and he just has a heart of gold that kid. And he wanted to share some of his deepest parts with me. I'm honored and I want to respect that and love him and keep being there for him. It helped remind me of, you know, I was that. I'm am still sometimes. I still have my episodes where I will always be someone that probably has depression on and off through their life. Some of us that we have. It really helped me just get a better perspective. You have your perspective shifted a little bit. The gospel teaches us a lot of times how we can alter our perspective and that's by going to church, taking the sacrament, scripture study, going to the temple, and that combination of living a Christ-centered life, being His disciple. You'll be led into those scenarios if you are just trying to be that way.
Camille: Absolutely. Thank you, Laura. Thank you for sharing your story with us and your heart with us.
Laura: You're welcome.
Camille: That's beautiful. Tell us where our listeners can find you so they can continue following you and learning your story.
Laura: Yes. I mean, later on I still wasn't totally healed. I had to deal with my eating disorder. So I went to an outpatient program and I got that help. I have more of that story in my podcast. I have a podcast called Latter Day Intuitive Eating. I'm doing group coaching soon, and I'm starting up a Facebook group. I've been doing one-on-one coaching for a while, but I feel like we need to create a community of people. I, I want community. I want to be with people. I have a course and a workbook too. Just want to help you in any way I can so you can make that change cause intuitive eating is wonderful. We didn't talk about it much, but it really helps you find more purpose beyond your body. And, finding that way. I feel like one of the closest ways God has shown me that, of how I can live of how He would like me to be healthy, to use my body in this world in this day of age right now. Go check those things out. Lauracragan.com is my website.
Camille: Spell your last name so people know.
Laura: Yeah. It's so Laura, L A U R A. Cragun C R A G U N.com.
Camille: Definitely go check her out. Very inspirational. I appreciate that.
Laura: Thank you.
Camille: Want to have more gospel conversations with your family? Come to my Market and check out my Gospel Games at cknscratch.com, where you can have all kinds of fun, simple conversations while playing a game. Because the more we talk about the gospel, the easier it is.
